Whenever you hear the term “self-care”, what thoughts, emotions and beliefs pop up for you? As a therapist I’ve noticed when I mention “Self-Care” there is uncomfortable shifting in seats, diverted eyes and cries of “I don’t have time”, “that would be selfish” or ‘I would feel guilty if I put my needs in front of others.’ It may come as no surprise to most of you that these phrases were spoken by women in my office.
It seems many women hold the belief that they are not as worthy of care as others in their lives. Nurturing, love and compassion is easy to give to others but may bring up feelings of guilt or shame if they bestow it on themselves.
Such beliefs are making women feel burnt out, exhausted, sick, overweight, anxious, experiencing brain fog, insomnia and digestive issues. It is literally sapping the life out of them.
So, is self-care selfish??
Firstly, what is the difference between self-care and selfishness? To be considered selfish you would be choosing to consistently think only of your own needs and wants regardless of all others, even if it means you hurt someone. The term “me, me, me” may come to mind. Self-care however is about replenishing your energy stores, so you can then give energy to others.
Many years ago, I worked for a large airline and during the safety demonstration passengers were informed that in the event of a rapid decompression they must first fit their own oxygen mask before helping others. So why is it so different now we are standing a terra firma? How can you help others if you can’t breathe yourself?
So where are you getting your supply?
Try this exercise, grab a sheet of paper and divide it into 2 columns. In the first column write down all the tasks you do in the day that depletes or drains your energy. In the second column write down all the tasks that replenish your energy. Compare the columns. Are they balanced?
If not, start by simply speaking kindly to yourself, too often we belittle and berate ourselves. You are the one that spends the most time in your head so always choose kindness. Your body reacts chemically and physically to every thought you have. Think “would I speak to my children or best friend like this?” If the answer is no, then start showing yourself the same respect and compassion you show others.
Self-care is also about setting boundaries, you are allowed to say No to invites if you want, there is nothing worse than saying yes to another party plan at a friend’s house you didn’t want to go to, just so you wouldn’t hurt their feelings but ignoring your own. You then spend the entire time feeling grouchy and resentful leaving with another $90 plastic container you didn’t even want!
Self-care is about creating everyday rituals to keep our mind, body and spirit energised. Self-care is as unique as each individual, it doesn’t have to be the luxurious spa visit or relaxing getaway as not everyone has access to that. The one size fits all approach doesn’t work in this case as it must be something of value to you.
Start small, take that bubble bath, have a coffee with a friend, drink more water, go to your favourite yoga class or get to bed early. Schedule these rituals on your calendar if you must and make it a habit each and every day. No one gets the perfect balance all the time, but we need to learn how to take care of ourselves. When we practise loving and caring for ourselves we become better partners, parents, friends and business women.
Therefore, it is actually selfish not to practise self-care, because only when we practise care for ourselves can we then care for those we love.